How to Stop Feeling Behind

I’m in the United States, absolutely love it, and I don’t have any plans for the holidays. And here’s what I love about the American culture. That’s spontaneity. He didn’t say they welcomed me as if I had always been part of their story. Ever notice how the holidays make it seem like everyone is happy, happier, more connected, more together? That’s not reality. That’s your brain running. A well documented illusion. And when you understand it, you stop feeling behind and start feeling human.

Before we begin, here’s what you’re going to take away from this conversation today. First, why the holidays? Amplify comparison timeline 8 and the feeling of being behind. Second, the psychological reason loneliness feels heavier this time of year and how to release that pressure. Third, how to build emotional steadiness through micro rituals. Fourth, a personal story from my first holiday season in the United States that changed how I understand belonging. And lastly, a mindset shift that helps you create connection and meaning even if you are spending the holidays away from home. If this season feels quiet or complicated or different, this episode will help you feel grounded again.

This is Dr. Christiane and today we’re talking about something a lot of people actually won’t say out loud. What happens when the holidays come and you’re not going home? Some people choose it, some people can’t go, some people don’t have the Hallmark version of family waiting. It’s like home alone. And some people are building a new definition of home in a new chapter of their life. And any of this is, you hear me out. You’re not alone, you’re not home alone, and you’re not behind in life just because your holidays look different. And that brings us to the psychology behind this experience. One of the biggest emotional triggers during the holidays is the belief that everyone else is ahead.

Ahead in family, ahead in belonging, ahead in tradition, ahead in stability. And in reality, that feeling is not coming from truth. It’s actually coming from something that psychology calls spotlight effect. The spotlight effect is the belief that people are paying attention to your life in a way that simply there aren’t. We imagine others are noticing our loneliness, our quiet holidays, our untraditional plans. But research shows the opposite. Most people are far more occupied with their own emotion, their own stress, their relationships and their expectations. Why does this really matter? Because the moment you stop performing for an imaginary audience, the pressure lifts.

You stop trying to look okay and you start asking yourself, what do you genuinely need? And this connects beautifully to another psychological truth. It’s the feeling of being behind, it’s always comparison, not fact. We all carry that invisible timeline with us. I should be home with a family. I should be happy. I should be happy and have holiday plans where I should be further along. But these timelines are not real. They are absorbed from childhood culture and social media, and they are not chosen by us.

If you strip away the comparison, the feeling of being behind dissolves. And I learned this in a very real way during my first holiday season in the United States. My first year in the United States, I knew I wasn’t going to fly back to Germany. It was so expensive. And honestly, I just wanted to use the opportunity to understand the culture in the United States and the country a little bit better. But then when the holidays approached, I sat in the computer lab at Purdue University, where I was earning my PhD, and I watched more and more students disappear, leaving for home. And some of them even asked me, what are your plans? And I didn’t have a plan. So now, keep in mind, I’m German.

I plan, I schedule. I love structure. And in this particular moment, sitting there with no plan, no schedule, no structure, that’s not like me at all. But if you’ve ever gotten to know me, you also know one thing about me. I’m very creative. Ideas don’t stop showing up if you get to know me. So in that moment, something very specific popped up in my brain. Back in Germany, when I applied for my Fulbright scholarship in the United States, I actually worked on my application. There was an American scholar who helped me and read my application and reviewed it, and he told me, if you ever come to the United States, please reach out. I want you to meet my family. So now in the United States, I realized, oops, I guess I never reached out to that American scholar who had since then come back to the United States. I had been in the United States for a few months and never even sent a single message saying, I made it. I’m here. So in that moment in the computer lab with the holidays approaching, students rolling their suitcases out the door, I sent an email and I said, I’m in the United States. Absolutely love it, and I don’t have any plans for the holidays. And here’s what I love about the American culture.

That’s spontaneity. He didn’t say, oh, I hope you find something to do. He actually said, spend all day with me. And that was really amazing because I didn’t have any plans. He said, we would love to have you. We want to spend the holidays with you. Come to us in Columbus, Ohio. And that’s exactly what I did.

I bought a ticket. I flew from Indiana Purdue University to Columbus, Ohio, and I spent the holidays with a family who I barely knew. They welcomed me as if I had always been part of their story. And they had spent the time in Germany during their academic research. So they were really curious about German traditions during the holiday season. So instead of saying, oh, we’re going to do it our way, they actually opened all the gifts on the 24th of December, because that’s Christmas Eve. So when we opened a few of the Christmas Eve gifts, something deeply familiar happened. It was like having home in Columbus, Ohio.

And instead of cooking a long, elaborate dinner, which is very typical during the holiday season, we actually made very simple, beautiful charcuterie boards, cheese, breads, jams, because that’s also more time connecting, and that’s how we always did that in Germany. And this is one of my favorite moments. We watched one of my now favorite movies, what about Bob? To this day, one of my favorite movies, because it actually is in that movie that Bob talks about baby steps, which is now what I call petite practice, so. Which in a certain way, anchors my petite practice now to my real life.

So there I was in my first holiday in the United States, not home, but not alone. I learned a new culture, I made new friends, and I experienced something that shaped me as a person. When you let curiosity guide you, you often end up exactly where you need to be. Sometimes it’s the most meaningful tradition that is not inherited. It’s discovering something new. And sometimes the moments we don’t plan become the ones we remember the most.

So if this holiday season looks different for you, you’re not alone. You’re building something new. Or maybe you’re sitting in a quiet apartment wondering what comes next, remember this. You’re not behind, you’re not invisible. And most importantly, you’re not forgotten. You are simply in a unique season of your life.

And while this season may be unfamiliar, don’t worry at all. It’s still yours to shape. Start with one ritual, one moment of presence, one act of connection with yourself or someone else. Steadiness isn’t built in big moments. It’s built in small, repeatable ones. And you’re definitely not home alone. Thank you for spending this time with me. I’m your host, Dr. Christiane, and I can’t wait to connect more with you.